


The Talk presented by Tony Stark

by orphan_account



Series: Adventures in Parenting: Tony Stark [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Dad!Tony, Embarrassed Peter, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Son!Peter, The Talk, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-30 18:38:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15102623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: As Peter's relationship with MJ grows, Tony decides to give his son the dreaded Talk. In front of his girlfriend.





	The Talk presented by Tony Stark

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't a part of the Sacrifices series, I was just bored and wrote this lol

Peter looked over at MJ with a small smile. 

"Whatchu looking at, dork?" MJ asked, looking up from her book to raise an eyebrow at Peter.

"You," he said, grabbing her hand. MJ rolled her eyes but gave his hand a squeeze. 

"I am pretty fucking gorgeous, aren't I?" she said jokingly. Peter gave her a quick peck on the cheek and said, "Absolutely."

"You are such an idiot."

"But I'm your idiot, and that's all that matters."

"Yeah, idiot, you're mine. But I actually have a book report to complete, and so do you for the matter, so get the hell outta here," MJ stuck her tongue out and pushed Peter off her.

"Oh, shit."

"You forgot."

It wasn't a question. 

"Get out, dork," MJ said with a small smirk.

"Buuuuuut-,"

MJ cut him off with a kiss.

"Out."

"Yes, M'am."

**

Happy was waiting outside for him, as well as Tony.

"Hi, kiddo," Tony said with a smile.

"Hey," Peter said brightly, putting on his seatbelt.

"Now, why are you so happy, I wonder?" 

Peter stuck his tongue out at his father. Tony stuck his tongue out right back at him.

"Oh! Tony, I kind of need a book," Peter gave Tony an innocent grin.

"And why?"

"I have a book report due tomorrow that I forgot about."

Ton sighed.

"You little shit. Of course, you did."

"Sooooo, do you have one?"

"Of course."

"You're the best."

"I know."

**

"Tony's picking us up today," Peter said, slinging an arm around MJ.

"Yeah?"

"Mmmhm," Peter said, opening the door for his girlfriend. MJ rolled her eyes but then smiled and took Peter's hand.

**

"Hi, kids," Tony said with a smile.

"Hi Mister Stark," MJ said, laughing when Peter gaped at her in shock. "Yes, Peter I can be polite."

"My experiences say otherwise," Peter said with a huff.

"Oh! Speaking of experiences, I need to talk to you both," Tony interrupted. MJ raised an eyebrow, already guessing where Tony was heading.

"For Christ's sake, get in the damn car," Tony whined. Peter quickly opened the door for MJ, then took the spot middle seat, sitting next to Tony and MJ both.

"Alrighty, MJ, you don't have to listen, but I figured since I'm going to embarrass Peter, I'd do it in front of his girlfriend," Tony said smoothly.

"Huh?"

"Shush, Peter. The adults are talking," MJ smirked.

"Ohhh, I like this one. Peter, you take good care of her. And that brings me back to my point. Peter, I think it's time."

"Time for what?"

"The Talk."

MJ burst out in laughter as Peter's face went white.

"N-no! That's fine, Captain America did a PSA on it, it was very educational!"

But Tony ignored Peter, saying, "Alrighty. Kid, now that you have a girlfriend and you are a growing boy, you need to understand something: You will have emotions and you will very badly want to have sex. Now, of course, I- and May, I'm assuming- would like you to wait just a tad, but I'm not really one to judge."

Peter's face grew even paler and he rushed to say, "T-Tony! Please stop talking!"

Tony gave Peter the sweetest grin before continuing, "These rush of hormones are completely normal. In fact, I'd be more worried if this didn't happen to you. But remember: use the fucking condom. We wouldn't want an accidental pregnancy on our hands," he stopped to smile at MJ before continuing, "Plus you could all sorts of nasty as fuck diseases. Remember to come prepared, just in case you run out or you don't have any at the house."

"Tony, please-,"

"Oh and lube. Use the good shit, alright? You can figure out which ones won't degrade the condom."

"Okay, good talk! Moving-,"

"Now, please for my sake, don't do it at the tower. I don't need to hear or have anyone clean up after you,"

"Okay! Will do, I mean won't do! Now can we-,"

"And if I catch you sneaking out of the place to have sex, I will call May to beat your ass."

"Alright-,"

"Oh, and remember: the first time you do do it, you might run out of energy to fast, so heads up. And remember the part about me calling May."

"Yes! Okay, I got it, new topic please?" Peter begged.

"Nope."

"What?" Peter almost fainted.

"We're here you little shit. Now, MJ, if you release any of what you just recorded to the public you will have a very messy situation involving my lawyers and probably angry parents."

"Yes, sir. Besides, I'm just using this to make fun of Peter."

"See, Pete. You have a great girl. Now go enjoy your fucking date," Tony kicked Peter and MJ out the car, Peter still shaken from Tony's talk.

"Have fun and remember what I said!" Tony yelled before Happy driving him away.

As soon as Tony was far away from Peter, he burst into laughter. His smile quickly faded when Peter sent him a text though.

_SpiderBaby: I'm telling May that you just did that in front of my girlfriend._

Tony's face paled until it matched what shade Peter's had been before.

_Oh shit._

**Author's Note:**

> *leave a comment or kudos? They make me happy:)*


End file.
